I’ll never forget the night I told God, “I want out.” I was Miss Christian. I did it all. Taught the classes. Organized VBS. Took the teens to church camp. Always smiling. Always ready to lend a hand. And I was miserable inside. Depression is a silent cry. Likewise, anxiety is a storm of crippling intensity inside the mind, but can appear like a tranquil lake on the outside. Depression is not always the dark-clad figure hiding in the back of the room. It’s the Read More
depression
Sunday Between Eleven and Twelve
My heart hammers as the doors open wide. Smiling faces blur. I duck my head. Greetings call out and all I long to do is drag in one free inhalation of air. Breathe in, breathe out. I come yet again to the place where I was wounded, yet I know it’s where I should be. Why is this so hard? How strange that both Hope and Goliaths should occupy the same pews. Music floods the air. My mind struggles to focus on the words, the Read More
Jesus Wasn’t Calling: How I Learned to Walk Away from Perfectionism and Self-Inflicted Martyrdom
Jesus wasn’t calling. Okay, maybe not. Obviously, Jesus is still in the calling business. Hang with me here and I’ll do my feeble best to try to explain my muddled thoughts. I have to admit it was quite a shock to realize all those years I spent doing and running, spinning my wheels and frantically trying to be a good, little Christian girl for Jesus weren’t for Him at all. They were for me. When the truth hit, it slapped me hard. I’ll never forget Read More
The word for 2017 is…
I’m not a big believer in life verses. It’s too easy to manipulate a verse from the Bible and make it what you want it to be while ignoring context and purpose. But I do enjoy choosing a word for the year. Each year I pray over a word God may have for me. Last year’s word was Sinai. I know what you’re thinking. Sinai? Really? How about Mephibosheth? Or Maher-shalal-hash-baz? Trust me, I thought the same thing, but after seeing the way God breathed Read More
The Little White Pill
Some days I loathe it. Other days I nearly weep with gratitude for it. Strange dichotomy. Every time I look at that little white pill in my palm, I am overcome with an odd mix of emotions. When I was diagnosed with depression in 2002, I was desperate for relief from the dark shroud that had blanketed my mind and heart. A shroud I had brought on myself as I lived year after year stuck in the vicious cycle of people-pleasing and perfectionism. I had exhausted Read More
A Wounded Shepherd: When Pastors Suffer With Depression
It’s taboo. A major no-no. Pastors never deal with stuff like depression. They certainly are never suicidal…right? Um, no. Talk of depression among pastors is often pushed under the rug. Oftentimes, by the pastors themselves. Thom S. Rainer says, “Depression was once a topic reserved for ‘other people’. It certainly was not something those in vocational ministry experienced. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that ministers rarely admitted that they were depressed. After all, weren’t these servants of God supposed to have their acts Read More